Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
