you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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