Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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