There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
