I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Randomize
