he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize