I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
