how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
