Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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