First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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