Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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