Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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