im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Let's get the cat blown out
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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