omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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