Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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