masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
