Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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