We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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