He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize