It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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