I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
