I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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