I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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