Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
