gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
