Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize