it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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