i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
