I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
