I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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