I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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