it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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