I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
