I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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