My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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