She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
