My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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