I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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