Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
mondays should just be called national damage control day
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
