I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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