i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This is my gift to your gina
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
