her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
