Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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