On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize