census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
