From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
