I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
