i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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