WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
