Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
