The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This is my gift to your gina
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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