he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
