wakey wakey hands off snakey
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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