I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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