It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
