my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
