When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
