I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
