I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need a beard to bite.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
