yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
