The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
