this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
