i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
