my vag is so smooth its legendary
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
