Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
