I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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