You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
