Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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