i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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