The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
