I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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